Parental preference at bedtime: Interview with Holistic Sleep Coach, Emma Campani
Holistic Sleep Coach Emma Campani, also known as I See The Moon, gives her top tips on navigating parental preference, introducing another parent to the settling routine and continuing to support breastfeeding whilst making changes to your little one’s sleep.
Hi Emma! Please introduce yourself:
Hi! I’m Emma, mama to two very active and adventurous boys and a Holistic Sleep Coach. I support families 1-1 with gentle, responsive, and evidence-based approaches to baby and child sleep. I’m passionate about helping parents understand their child’s unique sleep needs, what’s biologically normal, and how to follow their instincts, so they can navigate sleep challenges with confidence, knowledge, and flexibility.
Personally, I love a glass of wine, Galaxy chocolate, sea swimming, and chatting with my gorgeous friends.
Emma Campani, Holistic Sleep Coach and mother of two
What is parental preference and why does it commonly happen at bedtime?
Okay, so the first thing I want to say is that parental preference IS NO ONE’S FAULT! It’s totally normal, and something I’ve worked through with around 60% of the families I support. Parental preference is when a baby or child strongly prefers one parent over another, often at bedtime or when settling back to sleep overnight.
It’s a lot about attachment dynamics. Attachment theory tells us that the bond between a baby and caregiver is shaped by how responsive and interactive each parent is. It’s not about one parent being ‘better’ than the other—it’s more about babies forming emotional connections with the person who’s been most consistently soothing or meeting their needs. For example, if one parent is breastfeeding, or often the one to bottle feed, respond to night wakes or settle them to sleep, the baby might naturally lean towards them at bedtime. You can then see how it can become a bit of a cycle, but it’s really about the unique qualities each parent brings to the table. It’s not a reflection of love or ability.
This can also happen during periods of peaked separation anxiety, EVEN IF both parents had been sharing bedtime or settling to sleep until that point.
Regarding bedtime: Sleep is the biggest separation that our little ones have from us - even if they're lying next to us, they're not consciously with us. So bedtime is a really vulnerable time for little ones, - it signifies the start of this big separation and, naturally, they often seek out the parent that they associate with the most comfort and security. If one parent has been the primary bedtime settler through breastfeeding or bedsharing, or just more consistently settling them to sleep — the little one may naturally prefer them.
What are the different ages parental preference can happen?
Parental preference can happen at any age, but it’s especially common in toddlerhood and preschool years when children are developing strong attachments and asserting their independence. However, babies can show a preference, particularly if they are more used to one parent settling them to sleep, and especially as separation anxiety peaks. These phases often come and go as children grow and their needs change - and many parents don’t believe me when I tell them that the ‘preferred’ parent swaps and changes as they get older!
For example: Last night, when I went to get into bed with my 3 year old in the middle of the night, he demanded Dada and was quite upset that it was me he got instead. (This is a child who was exclusively breastfed and exclusively bed shared with me until over the age of 2!)
How does parental preference commonly impact each parent?
For the ‘preferred’ parent it can feel overwhelming, exhausting, and frustrating to be the only one their child will accept. There’s also a lot of validation, reward and, yes, cuteness in there too — there can be a lot of emotions attached, and all of these feelings can be true at the same time. But, of course, there’s also a lot of pressure to always be available, which can lead to burnout and, often, resentment towards the other parent who might seem to have a much more flexible life.
On the other hand, the non-'preferred' parent can feel rejected or as if they’re not as important, which can be really tough emotionally. It’s completely natural to feel this way, but it doesn’t mean the bond with their child isn’t strong—it’s just that their role might look a little different at this stage.
What effect can this have on parents' relationships with each other?
I mentioned resentment above - this can be a biggie here. It can create tension between partners, with one feeling like they’re carrying most (or all) of the bedtime load — which is a lot, especially when you add in naps and night wakes to the equation too.
The ‘preferred’ parent may feel completely touched out, meaning that intimacy and physical affection often take a backseat. This can all lead to a real sense of disconnect, making it feel like you’re not on the same team, which is a really lonely place to be.
Meanwhile, the other parent might feel sidelined, unsure how to help, or even like they’re being pushed away without fully understanding why.
That’s why clear, honest communication, genuine listening without being defensive, and teamwork are so important. Finding small ways to share the load — whether that’s offering support before or after bedtime or taking over some elements of the bedtime routine — can make a big difference. And if it’s starting to feel unsustainable, reaching out for support can be a real game-changer.
If the preferred parent is breastfeeding, do they have to stop so that someone else can settle their baby?
Not at all—you don’t have to stop breastfeeding for someone else to settle your baby.
Feeding to sleep is a completely valid and biologically normal way to settle little ones - and it doesn’t mean another caregiver can’t step in. If you do want to move away from feeding to sleep, that’s a separate decision, and something that can be done gradually, at a pace that feels right for both you and your baby.
Breastfeeding can remain part of bedtime for as long as it works for you both. If another caregiver wants to take on some settling, you can gently introduce this over time. One way is through habit stacking - layering other sleep associations alongside feeding to build new cues, like rocking, bum patting, shushing, or humming. These can then become part of the routine, making it easier for another parent or caregiver to step in when needed.
Where can tired parents turn to for support if they're struggling with parental preference at bedtime?
Firstly, please know that you’re not alone - genuinely so many families go through this! It’s exhausting, overwhelming, and can sometimes feel impossible to shift, but there are ways to gently introduce another caregiver into the settling process.
Reaching out to a holistic sleep coach (like me!) can help you find strategies that fit your family’s needs. If you’d like personalised support, my 1-1 coaching offers tailored guidance to navigate parental preference in a way that works for you.
But if you’re looking for something you can start right now, my instantly downloadable guide, Mastering Settling to Sleep, takes you through every step at your own pace. Inside, you’ll find step-by-step strategies for introducing another caregiver, insights into attachment theory, and practical, stress-free ways to ease the transition.
Supportive parenting communities, both online and in person, can also be a great space to share experiences and get reassurance. And if it’s all becoming too much of a strain on your relationship, speaking to a therapist or counsellor could help open up communication and find ways to support each other better. Most importantly, be kind to yourself—this phase won’t last forever, and you’re doing an amazing job.
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