Understanding maternal rage: Interview with Psychologist, Dr Joanna Harvey

Hi Joanna! Please introduce yourself and your work.

Hi, I’m Dr Joanna Harvey, I’m a Counselling Psychologist specialising in maternal mental health and the emotional rollercoaster that is motherhood. I help women struggling with maternal rage, guilt and adjusting to being a Mum.  

Dr Joanna Harvey

Can you define maternal rage and discuss its common triggers during the postpartum period?

Maternal rage is the experience of intense episodes of anger that arise postpartum but can also be experienced at any stage of motherhood. These episodes of anger often feel like they come out of the blue, and can leave you feeling out of control. During the postpartum period in particular, maternal rage is often triggered by sleep deprivation, a lack of support and unmet expectations of what being a Mum would really be like. For many women, feeling that their relationship has become unequal since having a baby and that they are shouldering the majority of the care and domestic responsibilities is a huge trigger. This can tap into feelings of being overlooked and underappreciated on top of already feeling exhausted.

When you have a baby, your nervous system is also on high alert as you adapt to caring for your infant. This also means that your threat activation system becomes highly sensitive and you are more readily pushed into fight or flight mode. Anger is a response to threat, so you are also more susceptible to this emotion postpartum.

How does maternal rage differ from other postpartum mood disorders, such as depression and anxiety?

Postnatal depression (PND) has a wide range of symptoms, and one woman’s experience of PND can look very different from another’s. Intense feelings of anger and irritability can be part of the picture of PND, but research has also shown that some women experience maternal rage without PND. 

Unlike postnatal anxiety and depression, maternal rage is not considered to be a clinical diagnosis on its own. It is not a mood disorder but a symptom. However, we do know that it’s a very common experience that is often not spoken about. Whilst it is common, if you are experiencing persistent feelings of intense anger or frequent episodes of rage, this suggests that you need more support.

What role do hormonal changes play in the onset of maternal rage after childbirth?

After your baby has been born and your placenta leaves your body, you experience a huge hormonal shift as oestrogen and progesterone levels drop dramatically. This is thought to be what causes the “baby blues” a few days postpartum and leaves you feeling tearful, low and possibly anxious.

These hormonal shifts essentially magnify feelings that are already there; so if you’re feeling a bit low and vulnerable, these feelings are heightened. The same with anger. Whilst I do think that hormones definitely have a role to play, it’s important to consider all the factors that contribute to maternal rage and not just blame hormones alone.  

How can societal expectations and pressures contribute to feelings of anger or frustration in new mothers?  

New mums are under so much pressure to do it all and enjoy every minute, when this is totally unachievable in reality. Women are having babies later in life and so, compared to previous generations, they often have established independent adult lives for many years before they become a mother. The shift from feeling more or less in control of your life to being at home caring for a newborn baby who dictates the pace of your day is not to be underestimated. Tasks that once seemed easy - like popping to the shops - take on a totally different significance when you’re a new Mum and that can feel really frustrating.

Feelings of inadequacy and shame can also often arise when your experience of something does not meet your expectation.  Perhaps you thought you would love being on maternity leave and feel surprised at how lonely and bored you feel and how resentful and jealous you feel of your partner who gets to escape the house and go back to their “pre-baby” life at work.

We also have some really unhelpful societal narratives about mothering being a “natural instinct” rather than a learned skill. For women who’s self-worth has been measured by what they achieve, motherhood can really turn this upside down as it essentially requires a shift from “doing” to just “being”.  There is an assumption that all women have a lovely time on maternity leave and, whilst there are lots of lovely moments, the full picture is much grittier than that.

In your experience, how does sleep deprivation impact the emotional well-being of new mothers and potentially lead to maternal rage?  

Sleep deprivation impacts the way our brains work, so lack of sleep is a huge contributory factor to low mood and reduced emotional wellbeing. We become much more emotionally reactive when we are sleep deprived and our cognitive functioning (where your rational thinking and decision making operates from) is reduced. This results in anger, irritability and tearfulness.

Having a baby is such a psychologically and physically vulnerable time for women. Your body is recovering from birth and your brain is trying to adapt to your new responsibility as a caregiver for a tiny baby on top of a lack of sleep. This is really why new Mums need all the support and care they can get and sadly this is so often not the case.  

A trigger for maternal rage I come across all the time is when the mother is doing all the night feeds whilst their partner snores happily in the bed next to them. I think this triggers a particularly intense feeling of rage for many women, as they feel so alone and exhausted in the middle of the night. Partners can help more than they think here, even for women who are exclusively breastfeeding. For example, letting the mother go back to sleep after the feed whilst they change, wind and soothe baby.

Can you discuss the relationship between infant feeding challenges and the development of maternal rage?

This is actually a topic I am really passionate about as I think it affects a lot of women but it is rarely spoken about. We have very low rates of breastfeeding in the U.K and one of the contributory factors to this is that women are often not adequately supported and educated both antenatally and postnatally.

There is a very strong message from the NHS to breastfeed but feeding journeys are often complicated, leaving many women to feel that they have failed if they didn’t take to it like a duck to water. It would be helpful to normalise the feelings of anxiety and frustration that can accompany the early days of feeding so that women don’t feel so shocked or ashamed if it doesn’t happen easily.

The early days of cluster feeding a newborn can be physically and emotionally challenging and some women are surprised to feel the levels of frustration or irritation that can accompany this. It just doesn’t fit with the blissful image of the breastfeeding mother that you were presented with by the midwife! Having a baby attached to you constantly can also feel very overwhelming for some women, which can lead to feeling angry and frustrated. Being able to talk about this, and not suffer alone, can play a big role in reducing the intensity of these feelings.

I feel strongly that women need to be supported to feed in a way that works for them as well as their baby.

How might difficulties with breastfeeding or bottle-feeding contribute to feelings of frustration or anger in mothers?

Breastfeeding challenges are so common but we are led to believe that your baby will latch on soon after birth and happily suck away without difficulty. That’s great if that’s your experience but if it’s not, it isn’t a personal failing.  I do think it is somewhat of a natural instinct to want your baby to thrive so it is anxiety inducing if they are not feeding the way you want them to and this can also give rise to feelings of anger and frustration.  

Bottle refusal is also a very common source of anger and frustration, in my experience this often appears a few months down the line when Mums are desperate for a break and a slice of their old life back but feel tied to the baby. This is totally understandable.

What strategies can healthcare providers employ to support mothers experiencing maternal rage?

Healthcare providers can support mothers by making it acceptable to talk about these difficult feelings without shame. Validating their feelings and experiences can do a lot to help this. If women are able to talk more honestly, healthcare providers are also able to see where they might need more support, practical or emotional. If it isn’t spoken about or if women are made to feel that maternal rage is bad or unacceptable, everyone remains in the dark.

How can partners and family members recognize signs of maternal rage and provide appropriate support?

Maternal rage often appears out of the blue and over something that might seem small or irrelevant to others. Rather than viewing it as an overreaction and meeting anger with more anger, it is helpful to wait until things are calmer and show interest in what else the mother might be feeling. If they are exhausted, practical support is really important (e.g.) allowing the mother to rest by taking on more of the day-to-day tasks.

Are there specific coping mechanisms or therapeutic approaches you recommend for mothers dealing with intense anger postpartum?

In the heat of the moment, when the rage is experienced very intensely, it is not uncommon to feel out of control. In these instances, I would recommend stepping away. This might mean putting baby down safely and going outside for some fresh air or going into a different room. The rush of adrenaline that is accompanied by this rage often needs to be physically released, shaking, jumping or splashing your face with ice cold water can help with this.

If you are frequently experiencing maternal rage, I would recommend therapy for a deeper exploration as to what is contributing to this. Therapy can support you to process these feelings and make sense of them and to help you to break the anger/shame cycle that keeps you stuck in a repeating pattern of harmful behaviour.

How does the experience of maternal rage vary across different cultures and communities?

Some cultures are more openly emotionally expressive than others. If you are from a culture that is more emotionally closed or there is more expectation for mothers to cope alone, it is possible that you might experience more maternal rage due to these pressures and avoidance of emotional honesty.

Can unresolved maternal rage have long-term effects on the mother-child relationship?

 All mothers will lose their temper at some point and behave in a way that they are probably not happy with. But this can be repaired and will not cause lasting damage. Being able to apologise and soothe the child with kind words and soft touch returns both the parent and child to a place of emotional safety.

However, if maternal rage is unresolved and results in frequent shouting and verbal or physical abuse over a sustained period of time, this is problematic for the mother-child relationship, as unfortunately the child will not feel safe and this is damaging.

When mothers feel completely drained—physically and emotionally—what are some small but effective ways they can prioritize their mental well-being?

I always recommend that when mothers are in this place, they need to lower their expectations of themselves and then probably lower them some more. This might be leaving laundry and cleaning, prioritising rest above everything else and cancelling plans that aren’t essential. I think as mothers, we often expect so much from ourselves and then feel guilty as well as exhausted when we can’t do it all.

What preventive measures can be taken during pregnancy to reduce the risk of maternal rage postpartum?

Ultimately it is difficult to predict exactly how you will feel emotionally postpartum, as there are so many different factors at play. Your experience of birth, the health of your baby and your available support network will contribute to this.

If there are any preventative measures to be taken, I would say think about your practical support beforehand, so that you feel a little less overwhelmed and exhausted once your baby arrives. If you have a partner, talk together about what you would like postpartum. For example, if you don’t want lots of visitors, address this before you bring your baby home.

How can mothers set boundaries and ask for support when they feel overwhelmed, especially in a culture that often glorifies ‘doing it all’?

I encourage the women I work with to practice clear communication. This might sound obvious but many women feel guilty asking for help (believing they should manage alone). This then results in feeling resentful and angry because they wish people would notice they need more support but they aren’t actually saying anything and asking for it directly.

How can open discussions about maternal rage help in destigmatizing this emotion among new mothers?

There is more discussion online about maternal rage these days but I think it remains hidden in the real world. Shame stops women openly discussing it and then everyone thinks they are the only one who loses their temper or feels a constant simmering rage under the surface. If we all talk about it more, it helps to see that actually maternal rage is very common and often justified. The more we openly express our emotions and process them, the less they pop out it unexpected and scary ways. So, talking about maternal rage can also help to reduce it.

What resources or support systems do you recommend for mothers seeking help with managing maternal rage?

Talk to other mothers about how you are feeling if it feels safe to do so. And if you are struggling with intense and frequent bouts of maternal rage, you likely need more professional support. Make an appointment with your GP and don’t suffer in silence. PANDAS is an amazing resource for support with all aspects of perinatal mental health.

 PANDAS website: pandasfoundation.org.uk

Connect with Dr Joanna Harvey:

Website: www.drjoannaharvey.com

Instagram: @dr_joanna_psych